


The Last Full Moon

by wolfstsrshipper



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (Ish? The wolf kills him? Does that count), Depression, Depression mention, Major character death - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, abuse mention, blood mention, ish, okay, so this is pretty dark, yeeeaaaah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24585244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfstsrshipper/pseuds/wolfstsrshipper
Summary: A month after The Prank, and Remus just cant do it anymore. He's so tired, he's given up. And the wolf knows it, making this his last moon.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	The Last Full Moon

**Author's Note:**

> TW’S: Major Character Death, Depression (&mention), Suicidal thoughts, Suicide(ish, the wolf kills), Abuse mention, Blood mention.  
> This is pretty heavy, please read at your own risk.

He stepped up to the willow. A few metres away from where the branches came to life and would start swinging violently, as if they were trying to decapitate anyone who got close… and he could honestly say he knew what that was like. Pushing away everyone that came close. And even those that did get close were still too scared to stay.

He stared at the branches that gently swayed in the wind. The sun was just touching the horizon line, turning the sky a beautiful pink and purple. As honestly as he could be with himself, he knew that this would be the last one he ever saw. He stood there and looked at it a few moments more before taking a rock into his hand and throwing it at the knot at the base of the willow. 

Remus was so tired, he felt it deep in his bones. His thoughts were slow, his breathing lagged. And each one of his breaths felt like bricks weighing down on his shoulders, each step took so much energy. 

One foot in front of the other. 

He had to focus on one step at a time. If he thought of how many more he would have to take, he was sure he would collapse and give up right there. 

He was exhausted. He barely slept, and when he did they were full of nightmares. Full of the Wolf ripping innocent people to shreds, as a small part of his mind remained intact to watch, but helpless to stop or do anything, just plead for the wolf to stop. But he knew, deep down, it was a monster. And that monster was a part of him.

So what did that say about him? Clearly enough. Enough for him to stop talking completely. Even as Minerva McGonagall squeezed his shoulders and begged him to open up. To speak to someone. To let someone in. 

Little did she know, he did. He let someone in, far enough to the point that he loved him. So much, that he allowed himself to be vulnerable. To get into a relationship.

But it just turned right back around and reflected, once more, the monster within and the fact that everyone saw it. Even the one man he loved, saw the side of Remus that could be used as a convenient killing tool, which could be so easily labeled as an accident. 

He didn’t talk, nor did he try in school any longer.

He didn’t belong in school anyway, a monster like him.

A monster that doesn’t deserve friends. Deserve love. 

For a moment, a very brief moment, he was almost conceived with the idea that he could be human. Sirius helped him with that curtain of lies. 

Until he decided to confirm that Remus could never be anything else. He will always be a killer, and a tool for anyone to use. 

And he didn’t hate him for showing him. After all, the phrase _is_ never hate the messenger. 

He doesn’t have control over his mind, nor his body. No matter how much he tried. And he wondered what the point was anymore. Pretending like he did. 

He stared up at the school. Everyone was at dinner about now. He didn’t remember the last time he had properly eaten. 

Then again, he hadn’t seen Sirius since The Prank. He had no idea how he was doing. But no matter what the answer would be, he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Which attributed to the monster inside him. 

Though there wasn’t much he could be doing that Remus was not doing himself already. And he never looked up in class to see if he was there anyway. 

James tried. He really did.

But sometimes things are too broken to be fixed. 

His gaze drifted upward to the Astronomy Tower. 

That was where he and Sirius first kissed. It was where a month of confusion and jealousy and hurt and anger came to an end. _“I love you, Remus. And I always will.”_

And it did. For two years, it really did. 

_“And I promise to never hurt you.”_

For two years, he believed it. He still did. 

Sirius didn't mean to hurt him, and Remus knew it. 

But Remus couldn’t help but think, you can’t really hurt a monster. 

Remus, dragging his feet, bowed his head and walked under the tree. Time seemed to drone on. He was sure ten seconds had passed, it was a certainty. He stopped halfway and looked up at the branches. They were moving, but they weren't swinging at him.

He stared up and watched as a branch whacked a bird, which dropped straight to the ground. Yet the branches still didn’t attack Remus. 

He chuckled to himself and looked back down at the ground. 

_I guess they only go after things that want to know the secrets of within._ He thought to himself. Remus couldn’t stop the laugh that came from his throat. He knew he sounded insane, and his voice was horace after going so long completely silent, but he couldn’t help laugh at the beautiful, melancholic and poetic circumstance.

A tree that will kill you to stay away, stops trying when the person trying to come through knows the secret and willingly, wholeheartedly, still wishes to come. 

And the secret is, people who wish to go within, know it's where you go to die. 

That’s the big secret.

He started laughing a little more when he realized, this tree was placed here for him. He was the thing that made the wish come true. 

And of course, he would _never_ know if he ever helped someone and their wish.

Sirius wasn't the only one who thought of him as a convenient, killing monster. 

He dragged his feet the rest of the way, dropping into the tunnel below the earth and below the tree. 

He knew he should hurry. After all, the sun was almost completely below the horizon line. 

But each step felt like the weight of a thousand suns were bearing down upon him. He might have been accustomed to carrying the weight of the world, but this was closer to the weight of holding up the sky, all the way to the heavens, and Atlas was nowhere to be found. 

Even in Greek mythology, it was said how no mortal could carry the weight, for it would collapse, crushing them and killing them instantly. 

“The worst thing about prison was not being tortured, nor seeing the pleasure in the eyes of the one torturing, but the knowledge that you had a hand in building the establishment you're in.”

An indirect, paraphrased, beautifully sad, and deep line from The Gulag Archipelago. _I’m in nothing as bad as that, I couldn't ever be, nor would i ever claim that. But the line…. That single line, well._ He didn’t finish the thought, only grimace and let a wave of grief and sadness flow through him. He had been part of the reason why he was where he was. And that was worse than anything else.

Because that meant he deserved to have what he helped build.

Remus arrived at the end of the underground tunnel and took the stairs into the shack above. He went into his usual room, where the wards were. He glanced around the room, then closed the door. _At least I won’t have to go through this ever again. At least the pain will finally stop._ He pressed his back to the wall and slid to his knees, having no more strength to stand. He didn’t bother stripping and preserving his clothes for the morning. He knew he wouldn’t need them again. He could feel the wolf waiting at the back of his mind, ready to overcome him. 

Usually, he tries as hard as he can to keep up the wall between the two. To have it so the wolf could not feed off his emotions, take advantage of him. But he didn’t care, nor did he have the energy to fight against it. 

So he didn’t fight it at all.

Remus stared out of the window, watching and waiting for the full moon to peak up over the mountain and leak its rays into the room. _Wonder if Dad will miss having someone to hit_. A single tear ran down his cheek. _Will James will ever forgive Sirius. Would he let Walburga kill him?_ Another tear ran down his cheek. 

He would love to say he had forgiven Sirius, but there was nothing to forgive. Sirius didn’t really do anything wrong. Remus had deserted it anyway. It was his own fault he was hurt. It was his own fault he allowed himself to get close to someone. 

He didn’t deserve anything that came from getting close to someone, no monster does. 

The moon came above the peak of the mountain, and the light quickly filled the room. 

Remus gritted his teeth and allowed tears to stream down his face as his skin boiled, as his joints snapped and popped, as his bones rearranged and grew. His hands extended, as well as his spine. When his shoulders snapped to the side he finally let out a scream. His skull changed and pressure builded up in his head, to the point where it felt like he was going to explode. 

He felt the wolf eagerly step into his consciousness, ready to fight and claw and growl, his bloodlust a million times worse than usual. 

As soon as Remus blacked out, the wolf sensed no battle. He sensed nothing holding him back. He _did_ sense the other being’s complete and total absence.

This was _his_ night. 

He howled to the moon, full of malicious joy. 

He was in complete control. And tonight, even trapped in this room, he would finally quench his blood thirst. 

One way, or another.

He ripped and clawed at his fur, bit into his skin, ran around the room. He scratched to the bone, tugged at his fur. 

Over and over and over, each time cleaning up all the blood that was shed, until he bit too deep and blacked out.

~

The moon had long been gone, and the sun was rising. 

Immediately, once it was assured the moon was completely gone, three boys ran up the stairs. Terrified and panting. Tired from a sleepless night. 

They tore into the room, the one where the wards helped keep the wolf inside, from all harm of others. But, of course, not himself.

What they found was the worst scene they had ever seen.

One boy ran right out into the hallway and wretched. He sobbed and sobbed and wretched.

Another collapsed against the blood streaked wall, clearly in shock. Tears silently ran down his cheek as he couldn’t look away.

The last one was on his hands and knees, next to the once breathing boy, crying and apologising under his breath over and over. 

The only thing that snapped them out of their never ceasing trance was the scream of one Madame Pomfrey.


End file.
